Everyone likes lawyer jokes, but some are so obvious they aren't that funny. Here is some genuinely funny and wry lawyer humor, that cut to the heart of why people really hate lawyers!
Actual Court Records
Judge: Please begin.
Counsel: Thank you. (To witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have - you still - oh, you don't.
Judge: That was a great start, Counsel.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Defense Lawyer: Objection, you honor! That question should be taken out and shot.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: The bus ran the red light, didn't it?
Defendant's Lawyer: Objection. He's leading the witness, your honor.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: The judge is asleep.
Defendant's Lawyer: Well, wake him up.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: You wake him up. It's your objection.
First Lawyer: You're an unmitigated liar.
Second Lawyer: You're a lowdown cheat.
Judge: Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.
DA: Your Honor, for the record, I would like to note that the last time I was in court with the defendant, the defendant did not have a haircut. He has had a haircut in the meantime. Just like that on the record.
Lawyer 1: There's nothing illegal about that, is there?
Judge: It's on the record. That's all I know about it.
Lawyer 1: I had a haircut last week.
Lawyer 2: I'm planning on getting a haircut next week.
Lawyer 3: I got one yesterday.
Lawyer 1: May I make an inquiry as to the court reporter?
Judge: I was just going to ask.
Lawyer: Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don't remember as to the details of your previous record?
Witness: I don't remember.
"Law is Crazy"
"Why is that?"
"They swear a man to tell the truth."
"Every time he starts to, some damn lawyer objects!"
The defense attorney told the jury the real perpetrator the crime would shortly walk through the courtroom doors. All the jury members then turned to look at the door. The attorney pointed out that because they looked, they had reasonable doubt and should acquit his client. However, the jury still found the defendant guilty.
After the trial, one juror explained the guilty verdict: "When you said the real criminal would walk through the doors, we all turned to look, but your client didn't."
A courtroom is a place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be equals, with the betting odds in favor of Judas. -H.L. Mencken
In the late 1800s, a British Judge hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to the Royal Courts of Justice.
"Where are they?" asked the driver.
"You mean you don't know where the law courts are?" asked the judge incredulously.
"Oh! The law courts," replied the driver. "You said the Courts of Justice."
One nasty morning, comrade Josef Stalin discovered that his favorite pipe was missing. Naturally, he called in his henchman, Lavrenti Beria, and instructed him to find the pipe. A few hours later, Stalin found it in his desk and called off the search. "But, Comrade Stalin", stammered Beria, "five suspects have already confessed to stealing it."
It's time now for the historic tobacco settlement Q and A:
Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A. Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q. Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A. Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Q. What is the difference between a judge and God?
A. God doesn't think he is a judge.
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
The Ten Commandments contain 297 words. The Bill of Rights 463 words. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address has 266 words. A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
- The Atlanta Journal
During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers? -P.J. O'Rourke
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. -Montesquieu
Q. What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes!
"Virtue in the middle", said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A. The caterer.
A law school professor said to a graduating class, "Three years ago, when asked a legal question, you could answer in all honesty, 'I don't know'. Now you can say with great authority, 'It depends.'"
Litigation n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. -Ambrose Bierce
Uh, yeah: "There are a number of, even as the, Bill Rehnquist, who, the Supreme Court pointed that out." -Senator Ted Kennedy, responding to a question about Clinton's appointments.
A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the Appalachians and was on her first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she ever had seen.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"If your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Nope. He left afore ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse.